This essay originally appeared on Jeannie’s Substack. Subscribe here for monthly updates!
A beautiful view of one of Flynn Creek Farm’s produce fields
I need to revise last month’s newsletter in which I kvetched about my struggles with agricultural vocabulary…. because you were probably smart enough to discern the subtext – that I’ve been striving to absorb, whether it be through classes, video, apps or books, what I lack in experience. Afraid of being an imposter…. of not being taken seriously… at the root of it… fear.
This Buddha on my dresser is a reminder that worrying and planning are futile… do I pay attention? No.
Thank you to friends who have reminded me of the grace in being WILLING NOT TO KNOW, to rely on and trust my colleagues to guide the process as experts in their fields, confident I am bringing my own unique skills to the party. Thank you to the farmer who assured me at dinner last night that it’s okay to not understand why the fireflies do what they do, just enjoy the mystery.
The NOT KNOWING also pertains to where I am going to be. Friends ask, “How much time will you be spending ______” (insert on the farm, in Rhode Island, or in Park City) And despite the fact I was once like Becca Meister in EDEN, a devotee to sacred summer traditions, I have to respond that I will be wherever I need to be. So if you see me IRL, let’s not put off that cup of coffee.
I feel remiss in not having cited this work earlier as I devoured it while camping with my daughter during her final weeks of #vanlife. It went right to my bloodstream and I took its wisdom for granted, but this is a paradigm shifting piece of writing if there ever was one….
All kidding aside, THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ME!! Acknowledging and working through my planning and controlling issues has been a lifelong challenge. Any child of an addict knows what I am talking about. I grew up without being able to trust a situation and invested myself in the art of worrying like I could sway an outcome. I have a deep seated (or shouldn’t it be deep-seeded??) yearning for certainty in a world that continues to laugh in my face. (Even so, as I write about the need to NOT KNOW everything, I am about to binge watch Season 3 of Clarkson’s Farm – yes I’ve read tons of books, but in all honesty I’ve learned a ton watching this show!!)
What better way to practice surrender than to immerse myself in an endeavor reliant on the weather? What a better place for me to recover from past trauma than on a farm? As Robin Kimmerer wrote in BRAIDING SWEETGRASS, “As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” No truer words.
My own writing reiterates the qualities I want to embody. The protagonist of DAUGHTER OF A PROMISE, Betsabé Ruiz, is broken open to her innate wisdom in the novel’s final chapters. She quotes Gabriel Garcia Márquez saying, “Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, ….life obliges them over and over to give birth to themselves.” And so with each self-induced rebirth, I am hopefully hatching a more enlightened, worry-free version of Jeannie.
“Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, ….life obliges them over and over to give birth to themselves.” —Gabriel Garcia Márquez
Foraged mulberries mixed in with raspberries from bushes planted last summer.
I’m on the farm after a week of book events and family celebrations. I will kayak Madison’s beautiful waterways, celebrating the Strawberry Full Moon and the summer solstice. I will pick many pounds of mulberries, making syrups and pesto from the basil and garlic in the field. I will spend more nights in the yurt, listening to the coyotes while possibly worrying a little bit for the goats. We are blessed.
And you are too…. My latest novel might be a 23-year-old’s coming-of-age-story, but aren’t we all always coming of age? And even better when we we are re-birthing ourselves by leaps and bounds.
As always, I am appreciative of your kind replies and if you are so inclined, spreading the news of my novel and posting an online review!! If you are anywhere near Watch Hill on July 1, please come to the Ocean House! I will be there in the flesh!!
If you enjoyed Jeannie’s recommendations of COVID novels, read more of her book reviews on her blog, on Goodreads or StoryGraph, or on the New York Journal of Books. For more TBR inspiration, check out Jeannie’s curated book lists at Bookshop.org and Shepherd.com.